“All the time a person is a child he is both a child and learning to be a parent. After he becomes a parent he becomes predominantly a parent reliving childhood.” – Benjamin Spock, scientist
“Iris indicated her first husband, Isaac, had disappeared a year before…”
Igor was just nine years of age, a recent Canadian immigrant. He had dark hair and dark eyes reflecting his eastern European ancestors. His friendly smile with his large white teeth seemed to light up his face with enthusiasm.
Igor’s mother, Iris, was a widow, and had fled the upheaval in her community and country. Igor had been in Canada over four years so his English was perfect as was his French which he practiced in school. Already trilingual, he projected a quick and adaptable approach to life at his tender age.
Iris had married a local man, Irwin, over two years ago and they had a one year old daughter, Irene. Iris indicated her first husband, Isaac, had disappeared a year before she emigrated and to this day she had no idea what had actually happened to him.
“… continually asking questions about his father…
She told me what had brought her to my office was Igor. She was worried about him. He was continually asking questions about his father and what had happened to him. She had no answers that satisfied him and his frustration, she thought, was coming out in school with reports from his teachers of his unruly and bullying behaviour.
When I asked her what she wanted for Igor if he decided to work with me, she said, “I just want him to appreciate what he has now. Irwin is very good to him and they seem close at times. But, he seems preoccupied with his biological father and forgetting his step-dad is here for him.”
“So you would like him to appreciate the father he has instead of dwelling on the one he hasn’t…is that what you mean, Iris?”
“Yes, that’s it exactly!” she replied.
“Then I sent him home with ‘thinking homework.’…
Igor arrived with his Mom the next week. I had told her I would need some time to build some trust with her son. But with Igor, it was not difficult. We talked about his interests which were mostly focused on his friends, school and Transformers, his favourite pastime. We also played some cards, mostly Crazy Eights, which he was very good at.
As we took turns winning and losing at cards, I used the opportunity to talk about the two sides of each event. If he won I would remind him of the extra pressure he was under now to win again. And, if I lost a hand, I would remark how, without the pressure of winning, I could relax and focus more on winning the next hand.
He soon had the idea of the balance in nature and in his life. We played around with many examples of the balance in his family, his friends, his school work and even in a glass of water or a tree growing in the woods.
Then I sent him home with ‘thinking homework.’ I told him about Albert Einstein and how he would sit pondering ‘what if’ thoughts, which are called, ’thought experiments.’ His first ‘thinking homework’ was to find the best part and worst part of his upcoming holiday season.
“The distance between feeling loved and feeling lonely is measured by your level of awareness.”
– King Ayles, author
“Some think they can get more good than bad or more happy than sad.”
Igor, a typical kid, displayed an inborn affinity for nature and its systems. He walked into my office that day with a big smile, saying proudly,
“I figured it out, Ken! I know the two sides to the Holidays!”
“And, they are?” I said challenging him with my own smile.
“The best part is having all my family in one spot together, my mom, my dad, my baby sister, Irene and Nanny and Gramps. And, the worst part is it’s over too soon. All of a sudden it is bedtime and I don’t want it to end, ever.” he said with serious sincerity to his voice.
“Nice work Igor! You got it perfect!” I replied.
Then I gave him a tougher assignment. I said,
“Igor, many people don’t understand or even believe this natural law is true. Some think they can get more good than bad or more happy than sad. So, let’s look at what many people think is only good or only bad. Are you ready for that?” I asked him.
“Sure!” he said with enthusiasm.
“Do you understand your homework, Igor?”
“OK, here is your next ‘thought homework.’ Most people, and especially kids, think candy is good, has a great taste and gives you energy, and so on. But, what is the bad part of candy, Igor?”
“Oh! That’s easy! I don’t need a week to figure that one out, Ken. I already know it is bad for your teeth and can make you fat and costs a lot sometimes…like when my Nanny brings over those big boxes of chocolates to share with us.” he said proudly.
“You got it perfect again! Nice going!” I said with a smile.
Now that I knew he understood the idea, I needed to see how far he could take it. I added,
“Let’s do a harder one! Igor, have you ever caught the flu?”
“Sure did! Last winter I was home from school for three days with it!” he said emphatically.
“OK! Your ‘thought homework’ for this week is to find the good parts of having the flu for three days. I would like you to find three bad things about having the flu and three good things that happened at the same time which are just as important to you. Do you understand your homework, Igor?” I said with a mischievous smile.
Accepting the challenge, he looked at me and said, “Can I write them down so I will remember them?”
“Sure you can! See you next week, eh?”
“No one else can find it, but you!”
When he returned he walked in with a smile of triumph spread across his face. He said, passing me a piece of paper,
“I found them, I uncovered the three good parts of having the flu. Here they are, Ken!”
On the paper were two columns of words, in neat cursive form. On the left side was the word bad. Below it were these words: throwing up, bad tasting medicine, staying in bed. Under the word good he had written: sleeping in later, me & Mom time, watching TV.
I looked up at him and reached over to shake his hand saying,
“Congratulations, Igor! You have learned about the balance law really well. Now are you ready for a really tough one. And this is one where only you can find the balance? No one else can find it, but you!”
“Why am I the only one who can find it, Ken?” he asked his curiosity piqued.
“Other people can guess where the balance might be, but only you can actually find it in a way that will make it OK for you. Are you ready?”
“I sure am!” his enthusiasm rising in his voice to the challenge.
“A child will learn to love anyone who values them.” – King Ayles, author
“…it really confuses me at times.”
“Many people think there are parts of their life where there isn’t a balance, like when they get sick…like you getting the flu. But nature doesn’t permit that to occur. There is always a balance even for things we don’t think have a balance. Are you with me so far?” I asked, wondering if I was going too fast.
He paused before answering me, and then said,
“It’s funny you know? When I figured out the good parts of having the flu it didn’t seem so bad to have it again…it would kind of be OK if it happened this year. I’d get to sleep in, have time with Mom and watch my favourite TV shows, wouldn’t I?”
“And, I bet you aren’t afraid of getting the flu anymore, eh?”
“Not really!” he replied.
“Let’s explore this law where you might think it doesn’t work. Your mom told me even though you like Irwin, your step-dad, you still miss your first dad, Isaac. Is that correct, Igor?”
“Yea! Irwin feels like my father a lotta of times. But, then I realize I have had another father who maybe I look like…and maybe be alive somewhere…then I get confused because I don’t want to hurt Irwin or be disloyal to my real father…it really confuses me at times.” he said his voice drifting off to a whisper as his face mirrored his confusion.
“You know Ken, a person can love two people at the same time, can’t they?”
“Well, Igor, over the last 35 years, I can tell you confidently, I have never found a person with a situation that didn’t have both sides to it, a bad part and an equal good part. And, I’ve worked with thousands of people. Let’s be cautious and skeptical, but let’s check it out. Would you be prepared to do that with me?” I asked him.
“Yes I would.” he said with a air of both curiosity and caution.
That’s what we did. Using the Demartini Method™ we started with uncovering the two sides of having Irwin as his step-dad. Igor readily uncovered the duality of his current situation. Then we looked at the two sides to not knowing what really happened to Isaac, his biological Dad. Igor was a quick study. I could see the evolution of his thinking and the clarity which it provided him so he could move forward.
Once he started this work his focus shifted and the earlier confusion and disruptive behaviours disappeared. His mom, Iris, reported he seemed calmer and more centred.
During one of our later sessions, where I saw evidence of his growth, was when he blurted out in the middle of one of our card games, which I was losing, “You know Ken, a person can love two people at the same time, can’t they?”
“Nature has ensured every child loves their parent regardless of their parents’ behaviour and vice versa!”
– King Ayles, author
Until Next time…
Now you know every event in your life has two sides that balance each other out so you can move forward stronger and wiser. So, whatever you feel is holding you back, whether a resentment or an infatuation, go find the other side and move through it. This will ensure your learning, evolution and enlightenment.
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Our next seminar is entitled, “How to Bring balance to Life and Purpose to Work!” It will be on Saturday, January 28th, 2017. Details are available at www.kenpiercepsychologist.com
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Namaste, (I salute the grandly organized design of the universe, manifested in you!)
Further information: www.kenpiercepsychologist.com