Self-Parenting – Empowers You to Grow Self-Affirming Children!
The only clue we have is the modelling our parents gave us.
Parenting is an enormous responsibility and most of us desire the very best for our offspring but as we all know there is no manual that comes with that cute, bawling bundle of joy. The only clue we have is the modelling that our parents gave us. And while no one would doubt they did the very best job they could, it did leave us slightly bemused about what good parenting is all about.
Each and every one of us is a unique being…
Great parenting starts with yourself, the concept of self-parenting is foreign to most people because no one ever told us that despite what others may think each and every one of us is a unique being as Nietzsche so eloquently states,
“At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvellously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.”
Uniqueness in a family can be difficult because the family is a system where it is about the whole to the detriment of the individual as a result we took on roles to fit into our family systems in the hope of acceptance and more importantly assuring that our survival by not being rejected by our major care givers and the tribe.
We were also subconsciously playing out our parents unmet childhood needs…
Whilst these roles were a way for us to get energy from our parents we were also subconsciously playing out their unmet childhood needs whether they themselves were parented to strictly, did not feel safe or were not given parameters that taught them rites of passage.
The problem with continuing to play out the patterns and characteristic of the roles we took on is that each role is assigned a story.
The Carer – must tend to the needs of others whilst denying their own needs.
The Hero Child – carries the hopes and dreams for the future – but is left driven and unable to relax.
The Lost Child – highlights the loneliness that is in the hearts of the parents – leaving them confused and withdrawn in their own relationships.
The Surrogate Spouse – fills the void of a parent’s relationship gone sour – leaving no room for a healthy relationship with a significant other later in their life
The Mascot – helps everyone to breathe easier when the energy within the family dynamics becomes too tense. In later life the Mascot becomes fearful of exploring the deeper feelings and uncomfortable emotions that surface within them.
The Rebel – plays out the parents’ need to break out of the confines of their own upbringing – leaving the Rebel to always feel they don’t fit in.
Whilst these roles also built strengths in us, the tragedy is that we lost our authenticity because you can’t live your own authentic values while you’re living your story, because you’re living the values of that story
Knowing the roles we took on and where they still play out in our lives today is the first step in finding our true self and frees our children from the burden of reflecting back our own unmet needs. Self-parenting is the ability to separate from our own childhood wounding, discover and assimilate the strengths we gained from being in a role whilst being able to put down the story that says we need others’ approval for us to be okay.
Once you have rediscovered your true self, without the confines of your roles, the gift you give your children is your ability to recognize their own uniqueness and encourage them to blossom based on their unique talents and personalities.