“You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing. You don’t have to do anything to earn it. … No one can take this love away from you, and it will always be here.” – Ram Dass, psychologist
“… she shut down and wouldn’t talk about it further.”
Lonny worked in the fishery. He said he was a seasonal worker on the local boats catching lobster, mackerel, haddock, hake, crab…as he described it, “whatever was out there worth the price of the gas it took to get there, and the time it took to land it.”
Lonny was a big guy, well over six feet, strong and sporting a full beard under his Montreal Canadiens toque. He was 36 years old and projected a guarded restlessness. He moved in a jerky manner suddenly, and often. And, his talk mirrored that movement with quick, short comments as if he was already very late for something more important than where he was at present.
Lonny told me he was married to Laureen, a nurse, and they had three daughters in their teens. Laureen said he needed to talk to someone about his situation. He said he was adopted as an infant and only recently had connected with his birth mother, Louise, who was in her late sixties, in poor health and lived in Vancouver.
I asked him about his birth father. He said his mother wouldn’t tell him who his father was. When he pressed her on the subject, she shut down and wouldn’t talk about it further. Later, she volunteered it was a one night stand. Eventually she admitted she had been sexually assaulted by his birth father. Then, as if to make matters worse, Louise passed away suddenly leaving him shattered and full of questions.
“I think it is just me who is upset and confused about it.”
As I was putting Lonny’s story together in my head, I asked him what was the worst part of this?
He said there were two things which upset him the most: losing his birth mother after just finding her and wondering what it meant to be the product of a sexual assault…what does he tell his kids about his birth parents…their birth grandparents?
I replied, “Let me get some more information from you, Lonny. Who raised you?”
“My adopted parents, Leo and Lesley. And, they have been great. I was their only child and was probably spoiled. We are very close and they love my kids!” he said proudly.
“So, is it fair to say you have a Mom and Dad, it is just you are not their biological child, but their ‘chosen’ child? And, your children have Grandparents as well, but they are also, chosen?”
“Yes, that’s all true and it’s not that I haven’t thought about that either. And my kids are fine with the way things are! I think it is just me who is upset and confused about it.”
“Which part, Lonny?” I asked, curious as to what was sticking him.
“… does that mean there is, or will be, something wrong with me?”
“It was nice having the two years I had with my birth Mom, Louise. She was very kind and she even got to meet her three Grandchildren on one occasion. She was so excited and appreciative I had made the effort to make it happen.” he said, with a sad smile on his face.
“It looks like there is something else really bothering you about your past…what is it, Lonny?”
“I think since my Mother was an unwilling participant in my co-creation, does that mean there is, or will be, something wrong with me? Like will I mistreat women, too? Or, have I inherited some sort of gene which will cause me grief in the future?” concern spread over his face like his facial hair.
“As far as science can tell, human values and attitudes are learned after birth, not before. And, I suspect if you were going to have issues with women, they would have surfaced by now with your adoptive parents, your wife, Laureen or your daughters…wouldn’t you think?” I asked.
“Since we are alive and well, a part of us knows, there can be no real mistakes in our past!”
– King Ayles, writer
“What would he say to me, if I met him? What would I say to him?”
“Yeah, that’s probably true. neither my adoptive parents nor Laureen would ever let me away with anything like that! And, I’m crazy about my girls.” he replied.
“And, as far as science can tell us with regard to our genes, you are like lots of other people, stuck with a genetic history you didn’t pick, but which is designed, to optimize your longevity. But, it often has a few surprises for us, as well.”
“I guess I really knew that as well, Ken. But, I don’t want to be blindsided by my biological father!” he said, a hint of anger, or maybe resentment, in the back of his voice.
“How do you think about your biological father now, knowing what you know, Lonny?”
He paused briefly before saying,
“Mostly anger, confusion and lots of questions. I mean…what kind of person would do that? What kind of upbringing did he have? Is he alive? Do I even want to know? What would he say to me, if I met him? What would I say to him?”
“Lots of questions, indeed! What is the most important one for you?” I asked him, wondering where his focus was fixed right now.
“Do you mean the idea of good and bad are more human terms, than natural terms…”
“Probably the last one. I don’t know what I would actually be able to say to him. Instead, I would probably want to slug him!” he said, emotion rushing into his voice and his complexion distorting his face with red wrinkles.
“Lonny, that suggests to me it could be useful to update your perception of your biological father. What do you think about that idea?”
“Why would I want to do that?” he said, his voice retaining its anger and confusion.
“There are no mistakes in nature, only learning and evolutions. So, everything that we humans, with our value system, perceive is bad, is also equally, good. And, everything we perceive is good, is equally bad.”
“Do you mean the idea of good and bad are more human terms, than natural terms, Ken?”
“Yes, exactly! This is basic biology. Nature doesn’t distinguish good or bad…only options in nature are: neither good or bad or both good and bad, simultaneously.
Then I added, “And, I suspect you have thought this in the past, have you not?”
Lonny stared at me for a second before saying with the tears forming,
“That’s why i wanted her to meet my three daughters…I wanted her to know something wonderful…actually, three wonderful people came from that assault on her…three lovely Grandchildren…because that’s what I think every time I see one of my children.”
Then he added,
“I guess it’s why I’m so confused!”
“Every particular in nature, a leaf, a drop, a crystal, a moment of time is related to the whole,
and partakes of the perfection of the whole.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson, writer
“I’d say. ‘Thank you for me…my family…and my life!’”
“I think you are very wise to notice that without the assault on Louise, your biological Mother, you would not exist… or have the wonderful life you have, today. So, one could say, you owe your biological father, whoever he might be and wherever he might be, for all that your most value in life…does that make sense, Lonny?”
“Damn it…it does y’know! But, how can I clear my head of this confusion I seem to carry around with me all the time?”
“I can show you how to do that. We need to take each of the significant memories holding you back from appreciating your life and uncover how they have served you, actually help you to be who you are, doing what you do, and having what you have, today.”
“How do we do that, Ken?”
“It’s a process called The Demartini Method™. It opens up your awareness of how natural laws apply in your situation helping you to learn to appreciate your past regardless of what has occurred.”
“My past is a little unusual. Does it always work?”
“I’ve used it for over 20 years. It’s fast, efficient and works, as long as, you’re open to learning how you, and I, are part of nature and nature’s laws. Are you game for that?”
“Let’s do it!”
And, Lonny did do it. He was remarkably open to the implications of how his past had created his present and gave him a future he would, otherwise, not have.
He repeatedly noted to me during the process, but really to himself, how his biological father must have had a very challenging childhood to end up assaulting his biological mother.
One morning, near the end of our work together, he walked calmly into our consultation with a soft smile on his face, saying,
“Ken, I figured out last night what I would say to my biological father if I ever met him. It is so obvious to me now that I understand nature and how life really works.”
“What would you say, Lonny?”
“I’d say. ‘Thank you for me…my family…and my life!’”
“Cool, Lonny! I think you’re cured!” I said, smiling at him.
“I think I am too!” he replied, smiling back.
“Light is meaningful only in relation to darkness, and truth presupposes error. It is these mingled opposites which people our life, which make it pungent, intoxicating. We only exist in terms of this conflict, in the zone where black and white clash.” – Louis Aragon, poet
Until Next time…
Now you know, you are not a mistake, no one is a mistake in their existence and in their role in nature. Everything, including every person has a vital role to play in the nature’s plan of our universe. There are no mistakes, nothing wasted, nothing extra. You are part of the divine design of here and now. Nature demands that humans, with our level of consciousness, uncover our role and appreciate it. When you do…it changes how you see everybody and everything!
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