“Anything you can become obsessed with, and you do so much you don’t do the things you need to do with family, friends, school, job…can be an addiction.” – Dale Archer, psychologist
“I need to get past my drug addiction…it’s wrecking my life!”
Sedric (Sid) was a veteran. He had done two tours in Afghanistan and was now out of military life but still carrying the baggage from it. He had never been married but had several relationships in the past, none of which had lasted. His current partner, Cynthia, was on the verge of moving on, as well. This had spurred Sid to get some help.
Sid was 33 years old with bright red close cropped hair and matching moustache. He was also lean and fit. He said he liked working out because it was the one thing, he felt he controlled, in his life. Responding to my question of what had brought him to my door, he replied, “I need to get past my drug addiction…it’s wrecking my life!”
“What kind of drug addiction?” I asked.
“You name it and I’ve probably tried it…but mostly booze, grass and coke.” he said.
And, presently Sid, what is your preference?” I asked.
“Grass.” he said, with a trace of regret in his voice.
“So, who do you want to be connected to, but aren’t?” I asked him.
He looked puzzled, then said, “Ken, I’m not sure what you mean by…connected?”
“…you weren’t born with it,…only you will decide, if you die with it…”
“Sid, let’s put a little context to your situation. Every human is an addict in some form. There are permanent biological addictions like air, food, water, sex, safety and movement which are genetically wired to ensure our survival, and evolution. Then, there are temporary psychological addictions like drugs, beliefs, work, money, pleasure, gambling, etc., which are learned. These also help us to survive, and learn from that moment or situation.”
“Are you saying drug addiction is learned and temporary, Ken?”
“You know you weren’t born with it, and only you will decide, if you die with it, Sid.”
“Ken, are you saying I’m not stuck with it…it’s not out of my control?”
“It always depends on your values, Sid?”
Sid was quiet for a moment, inside his own head. After a long pause, I continued,
“You probably know someone who took control of their addiction because of a health crisis; perhaps an employment crisis; or maybe a family crisis? Can you think of anyone?”
“Well, there is my neighbour Andy, who drank for years, and when his boss found out he was doing it on the job, he said he was history, unless he stopped totally…which Andy did…with his wife’s help.”
“I am convinced …virtually every destructive behaviour and addiction I battled off and on for years, was rooted in my insecurity.” – Beth Moore, author
“Do you think you would stop using drugs, if you believed, I would do it?”
I replied, “So, can you see, for Andy, because of his highest values…probably his job and income which connect him to his family, he took control of his addiction. That’s the truth about all addictions…if the why to stop is important enough, the how to stop will be found.”
“So, you’re saying if I have the right why within my values, the how will be there for me, too?” he asked.
“Let’s test it, with a fantasy…well, really a nightmare!” I said, smiling.
He smiled in return. So, I continued.
“Suppose you hired me as your value’s motivator, and signed a legal waiver, absolving me of any actions, I might take against you. Then, I followed you 24 hours a day, seven days a week with a gun. And, with my legal waver, I promise to end your life, if you use any drug again. Do you think you would stop using drugs, if you believed, I would do it? I bet you would? What do you think, Sid?”
Sid smiled again, and then said, “I suppose I would!”
“Can you see your motivation to live would be stronger than your motivation to use drugs…so, you would stop…and probably, reluctantly…but, still stop!”
“Yes, I think I would!” he replied.
“… all human problems are relationship problems!…”
“Can you see how people who suddenly stop drug use from a health trauma, family crisis, some other similar challenge, have noticed something in their values more important to them than using drugs…so, if the why is big enough…the how will be found!”
“Yes, I can see that now! But, what is my “why” that will motivate me?” he asked.
“Sid, let’s return to my earlier question: Who do you want to be connected to, but aren’t?”
“But why ask that question, Ken?”
“Sid, Dr. William Glasser, considered by many the Father of Modern Psychology, said, ‘all human problems are relationship problems!’ For example, it has been suggested alcoholism is closely connected to an unresolved relationship with a parent, or parental substitute. Does that fit for you?”
Sid looked down, staring at his hands, for a few moments. Then, when he looked up again, he said, “My Mom and I never got along.”
“Every mental addiction is a personal tool to learn self appreciation.” – King Ayles, author
“It is very important you complete it, before your return.”
“Can you see how that perception might influence your relationships with other women?”
“When I think about it now…how could it not influence my relationships with women?…And, not just my current partner, but earlier ones, and even some female supervisors I’ve had.” he added.
“Sid, if you’re willing to learn, I can show you how to resolve that. But first, I want to give you a task to do to ensure you know you can take control of your own destiny. It is very important you complete it, before your return. It will only take you 15 minutes. It involves watching a video called “Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong! Here is the web address: https://youtu.be/PY9DcIMGxMs” I said.
“I’m game, Ken! I’ll do it! When do I come next week?” he asked with a new enthusiasm.
Cid completed the task, and came back with lots of new questions, and lots of new enthusiasm to take control of his life. He worked diligently on several of his old perceptions, starting with his mother, then his sister, then his current partner, Cynthia, and even a former supervisor.
When he was done, his perceptions of himself and his past, had evolved, but also, of Cynthia and his future. And, he replaced his old drug addiction with a new addiction, his relationships with his partner and his family, which was of much higher value to him, and so, motivated him.
“She goes from one addiction to another. All are ways for her to not feel, her feelings.” – Ellen Burstyn, actress
Until Next time…
Watching video called “Everything You Think You Know About Addiction Is Wrong!
Addictions are a way to cope with a disconnection between you, and someone else, whose is very important to you. Your link with the drugs gives you the pleasurable connection you don’t know how to find in the relationship. So, find the disconnected relationship and learn how to evolve it. If you need assistance, feel free to contact me.
If you are struggling in your relationship, please go to our NEW VIDEO on how you can deal with it
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Our next seminar, “A Transformation Day for COUPLES!” will focus on relationships. It will be on Saturday, November 24, 2015 at our offices. Details are available at ww.kenpiercepsychologist.com
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Namaste, (I salute the grandly organized design of the universe, manifested in you!)
Further information: www.kenpiercepsychologist.com